There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I love you.
Bad choice
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