When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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