my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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