Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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