I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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