you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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