I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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