so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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