i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
