i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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