You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
