Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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