I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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