im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
