dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
