Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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