So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Randomize
