ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
