The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
