Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
being pregnant is like rehab
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
