White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
why is half of my head shaved?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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