New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize