Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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