i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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