So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
