I accidentally had phone sex last night
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
