So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
