His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
