wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
