Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
