I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
