i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
