he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
