I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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