this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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