so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
