My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
