drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
