fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
