you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I need to sanitize my soul.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
