i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize