Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
there's paper in my vomit.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i think my cat just said my name.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
