took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
