Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
