I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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