hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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