I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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