i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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