Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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