so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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