ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he wants to bone in the snuggie
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
