Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
