i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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