If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
