Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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