Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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