she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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