I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
